1. If you're wondering why you haven't changed a poo diaper all day, don't worry, it will happen after you get your baby bathed, pajama-ed and all ready for bed. 2. Children who do not need to use the bathroom when you arrive at the grocery store will absolutely NEED to go once your shopping is nearly but not quite yet done and you are at the opposite end of the store. And no, they can't wait.
3. If you are waiting for the UPS guy to deliver something, put your child down for a nap. He'll show up once they are asleep and will be sure to ring the bell that time.
4. If you finally get out of that newborn haze and actually shower, put on makeup and a cute outfit, no one will see you. If you run out to get milk in your sweats with baby spit up in your hair you'll run into half your facebook friend list.
5. The morning your baby finally sleeps through the night you realize you are the one that has been sleep trained and you wake up at dawn unable to fall back asleep wondering when they will finally wake up.
6. If there is a Lego on your floor somewhere, and trust me, there is, you will step on it when you are barefooted.
7. Your children will be accident free until the night before picture day when they will get a black eye or some other big scratch on their face.
8. If you find a great deal on your child's favorite lunchtime snack and buy a ton of it they will suddenly hate it.
9. When you finally stop packing extra clothes in the baby bag because you've gone so long blow out free, yep, you guessed it. Blow out city.
10. The day after you donate their old toys they haven't played with or touched in a year they will ask where they went.
11. If your child refuses to try a new food for you they will happily eat it for any other grown up without even the slightest hesitation.
12. After you have spent hours on Pinterest finding the perfect Sofia the First party ideas and have gone to countless stores locating just the right pieces your birthday girl will inform you that she is now over Sofia and wants a Frozen party instead.
13. You will find that missing library book they needed to return today after the school bus pulls away from your house.
14. Your child will change their mind about wanting to play soccer while in the car, on the way to their first game, wearing new cleats/socks/shin guards.
15. You will not have to sneeze all day until the moment you are poised above your sleeping baby while checking on him.
16. The ugly shirt you can't stand that they got from their grandparents will last stain free until they finally outgrow it but the gorgeous summer dress you saved up to have will get ruined immediately with a grape juice spill. The ugly shirt will also be their favorite item of clothing.
17. Your baby will refuse to nap all day up until ten minutes before you have to leave the house. The same goes for right before you arrive home. And if you think you will successfully pull off the car to crib/bed transfer, think again. Keep driving, sister.
18. Shortly after you brag about how much your darling child loves to talk they will completely clam up and refuse to speak one word.
19. Children will be very excited to see Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/etc. until the actual moment of meeting upon which time they will act as if you are forcing them to be friends with the devil. Photographs will document this lapse in good parenting which they will then refer to when they are older.