I'm not going to lie, I'm a Target fan, a HUGE Target fan. I love their diapers, I love their popcorn from the cafe area (oh and the free cookie or fruit for kids? Yes, love it). I love the little novelty holiday sippy cups I always wind up buying (the Easter ones are hands down the cutest, I mean, a LAMB sippy cup?! Come on, I'll take three). But lately, I've found myself realizing there are five distinct stages when it comes to moms on a Target run. Look closely next time, you might just spot one of these in the wild of the red and white bulls eye aisles...
The First Time Pregnant Mom Stage: We've all been her. We all love her. We all want to point out that those bottles are really terrible but hey, to each their own, right? She's there with a carefully made out list meticulously putting together her registry with the utmost care, you encounter one of these moms nearly every time you are in the baby aisles and silently wish her well. She will soon morph into the bleary eyed "WHERE ARE THE NEWBORN DIAPERS" mom who is there at 9:45pm and looks like she could use about forty five hours of sleep and a Venti white mocha at the same time.
The I'm Only Here for One Thing Mom: Maybe you're rushing in to get baby wipes, or maybe you just need lightbulbs, but whatever it is, add about seven or eight other items onto that list and then you've got everything you "need". I mean, it's not your fault they were having that sale on patio furniture, it would be like losing money if you didn't get two of those chairs at that price! Add children into that mix and you are leaving with at least three different snack options and something of the Peppa Pig persuasion. Also be sure you aren't wearing pajama pants because this is the trip where you will see about half of the moms from your kids class and they WILL want to talk to you because you only have five minutes but they are in the There Without Kids stage. Oh and you'll forget that one item you actually needed. It's Target policy.
The I'm Here with Cranky Children Mom: Consider your list only half fulfilled before you even step foot inside the Target. First of all, that juice box you'll get to placate them? Wrong kind. FAIL. Compromise and let them pick something from the $1 section and they will find four things that are $3 each that they MUST HAVE and will have a meltdown at deciding which one to hold on to. Seemingly every aisle you pass has Oreo displays on the end of it. Your children will somehow persuade you into using one of those giant two child carts that feel like you're pushing a small broken sofa through the store and one of them will almost always be close to falling out at all times. GOD HELP YOU if you need to go anywhere near the toy aisle and you will walk completely out of your way to avoid it at all costs. One of you will need to use the bathroom and your child will open the stall door while you still have your pants down. You will swear that you will never, EVER bring them to Target with you again and swear to only online shop from now until they all go to college. Until the next time you go back to Target in two days.
The I'm Here By Myself Mom: DANGER ZONE. YOU ARE IN THE DANGER ZONE. You will be leaving with at least one article of clothing, bath mats that you don't need, overpriced beauty products you will never find the time to use and the same shade of Essie nail polish you already have two half empty bottles of in your bathroom at home (Ballet Slippers anyone??). You will be lulled into a false sense of carefree "Is this vacation or what?" as you sip your frappucino and casually browse the basket section while thinking yes, maybe I should totally redo the upstairs bathroom, why not? NOW PUT DOWN THE SMOOTHIE BLENDER, I REPEAT, PUT IT DOWN. You will lose all track of time and all concept of what is currently in your bank account as you calmly walk those gleaming aisles chatting to a friend on the phone uninterrupted and even though you will spend at least $65 more than you planned on you will leave as refreshed and happy as if you had just spent the weekend at a spa in your 20s.
The Why am I Here Again? Mom: You know you needed something, but what was it? Sponges? Laundry detergent? Toilet paper? Ooh look a twin sheet set with flamingos on it and a paperweight shaped like a golden pineapple!