Paranoia Parenting: Just Say No to the Baby in a Crash Helmet

noI've often wondered, sometimes while watching Mad Men or Downton Abbey (okay both), if it was easier to parent before there was the internet. Back then, especially in Lady Mary's time, you only had maybe a doctor to tell you that you were doing it wrong (or perhaps a crotchety relative). Today, however, one might encounter what could be described as a near constant barrage of well meaning "advice", news stories that scare the hell out of you, updates on carseat safety (OMG you are DOING THAT WRONG), recall after recall after recall (after recall, after recall), photos on your newsfeed about the right and wrong way to carry your baby in a carrier or sling (no doubt taken by the maker of the preferred sling), and oodles upon oodles of parenting "products" designed to make life safer for your precious little one. And then, just when you discover your toddler likes eating whole wheat pasta, no no no. Pasta and wheat are OUT, didn't you know? "Eat this now, but not that" is all you can read, hear, see, everywhere. Eat this WITH that, but only if it's shade grown and wild caught. Drink more water, no not THAT much water. No more juice, but if it's this kind of juice then drink it as much as you can. Supplements? Yes! And no. Sometimes. But only this kind.

I know what you're all thinking, just trust your instincts as a parent. And I do, or, at least, I try to. I don't know about your "instincts" though, but mine generally tend to run toward the "protect the children from immediate danger" type stuff, you know, like in a mountain lion vs. me situation. My instincts don't really know anything about what kind of laundry detergent is the most ethical for the environment and most "bad chemical" free for my offspring. For that kind of stuff I have to either 1) Trust the people trying to sell me a product or 2) Do a ton of internet research that usually comes up pretty even on both sides. Then there's 3) where I'm thinking "Why the hell did I just spend two hours googling the best floor cleaner? Shouldn't this be an easy decision?". Why? Because there are too many choices. Too much information. Too many reasons to second guess my own common sense. I've handed that over on more than one occasion as a parent. Maybe because of my insecurities as a parent, maybe because I want so much to just do the right thing for my children, maybe because I feel pressured to do so, but I've given it over. You can spot the mom who has given their common sense over. They're like me. Standing in the middle of the baby food aisle at Target (feeling guilty I didn't make my own from the Farmers' Market apples like I did with my first child). I pick up the more expensive baby food pouch full of quinoa and super grains and salba (whatever that is) and as I walk down the aisle I see the generic Target version. Maybe less "super grains", but also less two super dollars. Should I? Am I depriving my baby of much needed brain boosting super grains just to save a few bucks? And there I stand, pouches in hand. Usually, hopefully, I realize how silly I am being altogether and blame my sleep deprived mind and move on without too much thought, but it's there. The doubt.

Some of these stories and "advice" can also come across as pretty condescending. Guess what? I'm a grown up, that's right, an ADULT. I can probably read the directions on the baby seat that tells me not to put it on the table. Or, perhaps I should just use my common sense and think, "Oh hey, I shouldn't put a baby in a little foam seat up on my dining room table unattended". But no, items get recalled, alarms and alerts are sounded, warning and red flags are waved. We as parents are all put on alert because common sense wasn't used.

Now, don't get me wrong, I realize a lot of the information is GOOD information, I get that. I want to know if there's a serious recall (read: not the kind of recall that tells me there is a minute chance the strap on the back of the stroller holding the cup holder might break in the next eleven years) or a warning or something of that magnitude, for sure. And I'm grateful and appreciative that we have that sort of information and a way to get that info quickly. But just like WebMD when you've got a mysterious ailment, too much can be a very bad thing.

It makes you second guess yourself, and doubt yourself. Maybe you should have spent the extra money on the organic crib mattress and your baby is breathing in horrible brain damaging mattress fumes right at this very moment. Maybe everyone in the family should stop eating gluten. Maybe you should skip the vaccines the next time around, just in case. Whatever your paranoia as a parent is there is information out there to back it up, to justify it, to magnify it. The "experts" are constantly telling us how to do things as a parent, and how not to, and telling us the consequences if we don't do it the way they are telling us to. Consequences ranging from death, to obesity, to not getting into a good college. I don't care how self assured you are, by the time you get enough little tiny holes poked in your parenting self esteem balloon it's going to sink, even if it's just a little bit.

And that's just the usual parenting stuff like what to feed them and wash them with. What about all of the horror stories you see in the media? In 2008, when Lenore Skenazy wrote a column for The New York Sun about letting her then nine-year-old son ride the subway home alone in New York, she was swiftly called “the worst mom in America.” But as she points out in her book Free-Range Kids, kids are actually safer than they’ve ever been. In the United States, the FBI estimates that a child is 25 times more likely to be killed in a car accident than by a predator. There is a 1 in 1.5 million chance of a child being abducted. One in ONE POINT FIVE MILLION. But those are the stories we hear about, those are the stories that stay with us, that feed into our paranoia. Those are the stories that make us keep the kids in our sight at all times. The stories that prevent them from riding their bikes to their friend's house, that prevent us from loosening our white knuckled grip on what we think we are controlling.

The other day I was flipping through the One Step Ahead catalog the other day and I saw a toddler helmet for sale. No, not a toddler BIKE helmet, just a TODDLER HELMET. For walking. Around the house. In case they fell. This is a real thing. Here. It claims that "this advanced baby helmet is made of high-tech foam that absorbs impacts and cushions falls". You know what else does that? YOUR BABY'S SKULL. That is what protects their brain. Already there, built right in. So you seriously do not need a baby helmet when your child is learning how to walk. But, you will find people, experts perhaps, that will tell you that you DO need this level of protection. And you can find horror stories on the internet of someone's baby that fell and hit their head and OMG I NEED A BABY HELMET NOW I WONDER IF THEY DO RUSH SHIPPING. No. You don't need one (allow me to point out that the baby in the photo is also wearing knee pads, which is hilarious).

You know what else you don't need? The shopping cart cover. Those horrible germs you are afraid they might get from the shopping cart? Kids need those to build their immune systems. Seriously. And germs are not just on shopping carts, they are EVERYWHERE so you might as well get an everywhere cover if your aim is to prevent germs from touching your baby. Don't get bent out of shape, I had one too with my first born, and I lugged that thing everywhere and threw it on all kinds of shopping carts. But I realized this is just another product that someone wants to sell and make money on, and they are actually exploiting my paranoia as a parent to get me to buy it. So no. No more shopping cart covers for me. I grew up and survived without one, so did my two brothers, my mom, my dad, their parents and brothers and sisters, and so on and so on. All shopping cart cover-less and no one got the plague.

My suggestion? Find what you are comfortable with and go with it. You are the expert on your own kids, no one else is. And its okay to go against what you think everyone is saying, or everyone else is doing. Sometimes you just need to say no, no to the TV news stories, the scary articles in parenting magazines, all of it. Think of all the children that survived without four different carseats before they went to Kindergarten, without baby helmets, without parents second guessing every morsel that went into their mouths. It's okay to want to protect them, that is undeniable, but to protect them too much is a danger in and of itself. A child who thinks he can't do anything on his own eventually can't. And you might as well face it now, this world will not always be kind to your children. They will feel pain, and loss, and heartbreak, and suffering. Over-protecting them now, "while you still can", will not only do absolutely nothing to prevent them from future pain and suffering, it will ill-equip them to handle it when it does happen. As parents, we need to take back our common sense, and take back our confidence, and instill that in our children. Make that confidence be what they glean from you, not the parenting paranoia. You can be there to kiss them when the hurt happens, but you've got to let it happen, on its own, in a natural way. So put away the crash helmet and let common sense be your guide. xoxo

 

Mamatoga Total Fitness Series: Prenatal Yoga with Bonnie at Saratoga Springs Yoga

prenatalWhen I first heard about prenatal yoga I was skeptical. As big and round as I was I thought THIS was the least capable I would be physically of bending and stretching, but once I started I fell in love and realized that all of the bending and stretching and breathing was exactly what I needed to feel better while pregnant. I discovered that the benefits of prenatal yoga are many. One of the unexpected perks of a prenatal class is that it doubles as a preggo support group. You get a chance to hang out with other moms to be, you can chat about the good parts, commiserate about the not so good parts, and make new friends. Pick up some tips on how to deal with morning sickness or the best body pillow for your bump in this community of moms. Breath is absolutely key when it comes to labor and delivery. In practical terms, the yogic practice of “pranayama” refers to a set of breathing techniques that are used for relaxation, concentration and meditation and is an awesome skill for moms to develop before giving birth. Prenatal yoga teaches forms of breathing that can also help alleviate heartburn and morning sickness, can help the mother push and/or control the urge to push during labor and delivery, can connect with the baby once hearing is developed, and can even incorporate into nursing after the birth to the benefit of both mom and baby.

Safe, comfortable, supportive yoga can also relieve many common discomforts of pregnancy. Studies have suggested that practicing yoga during pregnancy can also improve sleep, reduce stress and anxiety, and increase the strength, flexibility and endurance of muscles needed for childbirth. It can also decrease nausea, carpal tunnel syndrome, headaches and shortness of breath, and decrease the risk of preterm labor, pregnancy-induced hypertension and intrauterine growth restriction — a condition that slows a baby’s growth. Support your health, restore vitality, and build inner strength and stability for the journey ahead. Connect with your body, connect with your baby, and connect with other moms.

At Saratoga Springs Yoga, instructor Bonnie has a passion for prenatal yoga. As a mother of three, Bonnie knows first hand the value of yoga, and what a gift her practice can be for the entire family. The “mother is the heart of the home”, and when Mama’s happy, everybody’s happy!  Bonnie has extensive training in prenatal yoga, and has also been certified in Restorative yoga by the Queen of  Relaxation, Judith Lasater. Bonnie has found meditation deeply fulfilling and she has been certified as a meditation teacher by Cyndi Lee and her light and playful style will fill your day with peace and smiles! I first met Bonnie when our sons were going to preschool together at the YMCA, and I have to say that she has such an upbeat and warm vibe and her class will definitely be comfortable, friendly, and peaceful.

WEEKEND! March 1st-3rd

weekend Have you entered the fabulous Mamatoga Magazine Giveaways yet? Click right here to enter all three!

FRIDAY, MARCH 1st

  • The South High Dance Marathon is taking place this Friday and Saturday in Glens Falls, click here for more details. Kids coming together to raise money for local families and causes, it is truly awesome!
  • The Saratoga Regional YMCA Presents: 2013 Scholarship Campaign Kickoff Party from 6:30-9:30pm at the Wilton Branch, 20 Old Gick Road. Cost: $50 per person or $90 per couple. Together, we can make a difference in our community! Proceeds from this event will benefit the Y scholarship fund, We Build People. For more information, please contact Susan Rhoades, Saratoga Springs Branch/Annual Giving Director at 583-9622, ext.104 or susan@saratogaregionalymca.org. Committee Co-Chairs are Alysa Arnold and Jennifer Perry.
  • In collaboration with Wilton Wildlife Preserve the Saratoga Springs Public Library will be going on an Owl Hunt from 5:30-7pm. Meet at 80 Scout road to listen to a presentation on owls by one of Wilton’s Environmental Interns. Then Rich Speidel will lead the group in an “Owl Prowl” to listen and look for owls. For participants ages 5 & up. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Snowshoes, if needed, will be available, please let them know if you need to reserve a pair. Register in the Children’s Room or by calling 584-7860, opt 3. Registration is limited, and please remember to dress for the weather!
  • It’s the 40th Annual Saratoga Home & Lifestyle Show this weekend at the Saratoga Springs City Center! Cost is $6. The Saratoga Springs Rotary Club presents the Saratoga Home & Lifestyle Show! A variety of home and lifestyle businesses will exhibit on the main floor, including categories such as home improvement, landscaping, décor and fine finishes, heating and plumbing, pools, and many more. The Rotary Club expects to raise close to $100,000 from the event, with proceeds being distributed to community organizations, youth scholarships, and international humanitarian projects. I will be there with my friends from Adirondack Trust handing out copies of the Mamatoga Spring Issue, be sure to come by to say hi!

Show Hours:

Friday, March 1 from 5 PM to 9 PM Saturday, March 2 from  9 AM to 7 PM Sunday, March 3 from 10 AM to 4 PM

SATURDAY, MARCH 2nd

  • Check out the Health and Wellness Expo from 10am to 3pm in the Ballston Spa High School cafeteria and gymnasium. There will be exhibits from each schools’ Building Leadership Teams and a variety of organizations and businesses who will provide information about fitness, healthy eating, bike helmet safety and related health and wellness topics. I’ll be there talking about my kids yoga class at One Yoga Saratoga and about the benefits of yoga for children. I’ll even be doing a free demo class for kids aged 5-9 at 12:30pm, click here for more info.
  • Adirondack Trust Company will be having their Exit 11 Branch Grand Opening Celebration from 10am-12pm. Register for the chance to win one of three great prizes & the bank's mascot, Banker Buck will be there handing out recycled piggy banks to the kids! Plus, 101.3 The Jockey and DJ John Meany will be hosting a live radio remote with prize drawings for local merchants gift certificates! Click here for more info. Pick up your copy of Mamatoga while you're there!
  • Check out the 2013 Hannaford Kidz Expo from 10am-5pm at the Empire State Plaza in Albany, admission is free. The expo will fill the Convention Center with thousands of children and their families for a jam-packed day of entertainment, information, activities and fun. From toddler to teen, and everyone in between, there will be something for all at the popular 8th annual event. Highlights include Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey CircusFit, Radio Disney, free giveaways, prizes and Bogey Ballton! Check out the info below for more info on when to catch Bogey! bogey9279_1277274815_n
  • The Children’s Museum at Saratoga will have Story Art from 10:30-11am.
  • Library Babies is at the Saratoga Springs Public Library from 10-11am, an informal playgroup for babies under the age of 24 months with their parent or caregiver. Registration is not required. Call 584-7860, press 3 for more information.
  • Saturday Family Storytime is at the Saratoga Springs Public Library from 11:30am-12pm for children ages 2-5, with their parent or caregiver. Siblings welcome too! Registration is not necessary for this program.
  • The Tail Waggin’ Tutor is going to be at the Saratoga Springs Public Library from 2-3pm. Read to Buck, their Schnoodle reading therapy dog. Buck is certified through Share-a-Pet’s Pawsitive Reading Program and is happy to sit quietly and listen appreciatively to any story you may wish to read. Please call the day of the program to schedule a 10-minute appointment at 584-7860, opt. 3. Please note that Buck has a busy social schedule and some of these dates may change. Go to their website for the latest information. For more information call 584-7860, opt 3.
  • The Knights of Generous Hearts GALA takes place from 6:30-11pm at The Villeroy, 21 South Greenfield Rd. in Greenfield. Cost is $50 donation per person. This fundraising event will benefit the new playground at Greenfield Elementary School. Come support the children! Live entertainment by Jeff & Becky Walton. Featuring wine and hors d’oeuvre tastings from Saratoga’s finest wineries and restaurants.  Silent Auction. Dressy Casual Attire. Purchase Tickets online here. For more information call 518-321-8170.

SUNDAY, MARCH 3rd

  • The Children’s Room at the Saratoga Springs Public Library is having their Grand Opening from 1-2pm! Join them as they celebrate their new Children’s Room! Snacks and refreshments will be served. Then from 2-3pm check out Cabin Fever Family Dances with Peter, Paul and George! Come in from the cold, beat that cabin fever, and enjoy some traditional folk music from America and the world with Peter, Paul and George!
  • There will be a Seussian Celebration at the Children’s Museum from 12-3pm today. Cost is free with museum admission. In honor of Dr. Seuss’s birthday, they will be holding their annual Seussian Celbration: “Hop on Pop”. Come and participate in a themed scavenger hunt, “Hop on Pop” in their bounce house, create Dr. Seuss crafts, and participate in their free basket raffles. Like Dr. Seuss says, “If you never did you should. These things are fun, and fun is good”!
  • Books and Brunch for Saratoga Reads! is happening at Sperry's in Saratoga Springs from 11am-2pm. 15% of proceeds from Books and Brunch will be donated to Saratoga Reads! and used to provide free programming for readers of all ages in the community. Call 518-584-9618 to make a reservation today!
  • Blue Iris Photography is having their great Easter Mini Sessions! Click here to read an interview with Linda Peluso from Blue Iris and for more info.

What's YOUR Ideal Number of Children?

kiddosNo matter what stage you're at in life - before kids, parent of 1, 2, 3 or more, people always want to know if you're going to have kids or how many you're going to have. Before I had my first I would get the classic and inevitable question "So...are you going to have any kids?" Everyone would ask, parents, co-workers, friends, relatives, particularly nosy salespeople. It was normal, and I shrugged it off, giving people a non-committal "Eventually, hopefully" type of response. After I had Finn, and I mean like RIGHT after, people started with the "So are you stopping at just one?" and, "Don't you want a little girl now too?" questions. I wanted to tell them that I literally just HAD this one that I have. That maybe I don't want to have another one. That going through an emergency c-section was frightening enough I wasn't sure when or if I wanted to try it again. Mainly I just wanted to tell them to mind their own business.

I loved just having one, my whole world revolved around Finn and his little schedule. I was wrapped around his teeny tiny finger and could fill my days googling what the best sippy cup was and reading to him endlessly and trying to teach him to say words. Finn was such an easy baby, I worried about having another one. That's the other thing people would always say "Oh he's an easy baby? The next one won't be then" they would say in serious tones. Oh really? Is that a scientific fact? Apparently EVERYONE knows that if you have a "good" baby the first time around you're doomed to have a demon baby from hell the next time around, there's no WAY you'll have another "good" baby.

But I did, I had a nice, sweet, easy natured baby girl. And it was a huge change. Finn already had his little routine and it pained me to interrupt it even just a little bit. I didn't want him to be awoken in the middle of the night, and I felt bad that I couldn't spend as much time playing with him now that Levy was here. Changing two diapers was of course double the diaper trouble, and there was a time when they were both really young where I was knee deep in crying baby land. But it passed, and they have grown to be the best of friends. They are two peas in an adorable little pod and I am beyond thrilled that they have each other as friends and built in playmates. People would comment that now that I had "one of each" I could be done, which I always thought was strange. Sort of like I had just picked out matching pieces of furniture, now I had a set!

According to most Americans, two is the "ideal" number of children. Gallup, which has been asking about ideal family size since 1936, says that until 1967, more Americans preferred a larger family, with three or more children. Two took hold in the 1970s and has remained the top choice, with 52% of 1,007 adults in 2007 (the most recent year surveyed) saying two is best.

As Levy and Finn got older people would still ask if I wanted more. Now that I had a boy and a girl I wondered if having another one would throw off their little balance. Plus they were both out of diapers, eating real food, sleeping through the night and were pretty self sustaining at this point, which was nice, of course. I quickly forgot what it was like to change diapers and wake up for nighttime feedings and jumping back into baby world sort of scared me. Two was so doable, three seemed like a LOT. I pictured myself pushing a grocery cart with two kids hanging off of it and one little one in it and me losing my mind. I worried that Finn and Lev wouldn't get the attention they needed, that they would feel left out with all of attention a newborn needs. But I was one of three, the youngest and the only girl, and I liked having two brothers. Three seemed like a lot, but also like a lot of fun.

Making the transition from two to three was the scariest to think about, but turned out to be the easiest. Jack came on board with the family and just fit right in, and again, he was a "good" baby. The older two just adore having him around and love playing with him, watching him grow, they love trying to teach him words and how to play and build block towers. Since I had two older kids already running around Jack had to adapt and instead of staying home more he would be popped into the baby carrier and off we went to soccer, hiking, the store, bike riding, everything.

What's funny is that even with three, people STILL ask me if I'm going to "Go for four". And you know what? I don't know. Four sometimes sounds a little nuts to me, but I also really love the idea of having a "big" family. My whole house and life has already been overtaken by little shoes and toys and tiny pairs of underwear dominate my laundry. I am fully committed to this kid thing, so maybe having one more on the team wouldn't be too hard?

No matter what, your ideal family number also has to take into consideration many, many life factors. Maybe you started having kids later than you expected, maybe you had difficulties getting pregnant, maybe you wanted to pursue a career, maybe the timing was just off. I think that whatever number you wind up having is the ideal number for you and your family, sometimes it just turns out to be different from the one you originally envisioned. So what's your ideal family number?

The Parenting Learning Curve

Baby Food food

First child: Made baby food by hand, selecting each apple carefully from the Farmers' Market, asking the apple lady what chemicals were used on them, if any. Peeled, sliced, steamed, pureed, delicately seasoned with just a touch of organic cinnamon.

Third child: Ooh look the Target brand baby food pouches are so much cheaper!

Baby Monitor:

monitor

First child: The newest video monitor on the market, which I would obsessively look at while the baby was falling asleep, during his sleep, as I was falling asleep, in the middle of the night if I thought I heard something, in the morning waiting for him to wake up.

Third child: Monitor? No, I guess we never put it back up, I mean, he'll just bang the Sleep Giraffe battery pack side on the wall when he's awake.

Crib Bedding:

cribFirst child: a complete matching set of bedding which I painstakingly picked out, nay, AGONIZED over, changing my mind multiple times. Came with sheets, bumper, sham covers, blankets, smaller blanket, matching window valance, a little thing to hold diapers that you hung on the door knob, a hamper, mobile, wall decor, small area rug.

Third child: Crib sheet. Blanket when it gets cold out. Sleep giraffe. AND go to sleep.

Sanitizing:

sterileFirst child: Avent microwave sterilizer got busted out if a paci so much as grazed a floor, no matter how spotless it was.

Third child: 5 (okay maybe like 30+) second rule applies in nearly all cases. Germs are good for you, right?!

Baby Bag:

baby bagFirst child: an ACTUAL baby bag given to you by a friend, which you stock religiously for any outing with extra everything. Bottles, wipes, diapers, pants, socks, hats, blankets, pacifiers, brain stimulating infant toys, neosporin, infant Tylenol, changing pad, changing pad sanitizing wipes. You panic if you left ANY of these items at home.

Third child: my purse is my baby bag. I think there's a diaper in there. Oh wait there is, but it's two sizes too small.

Baby Shower:

showerFirst child: Fifty of your closest friends and relatives gather bearing gifts to tell you how amazing you look and ask to rub your belly. Little sandwiches are eaten and punch is consumed and little baby themed desserts are oohed and ahhed over. You go home with a billion onesies and immediately wash them all with Dreft before putting them away.

Third child: Plans are made to go out for drinks once the baby is born.

Baby Clothes:

babyoutfitFirst child: You get so many outfits as gifts (and buy so many yourself) that you have complete head to toe ensembles including shoes, hats and accessories ready to go at all times. You have so much stuff some of it goes unworn and you find it in the closet with the tags still on it months later.

Third child: Hand me downs galore. You find yourself saying to your spouse "These pants will hide that stain" and "I think we can get at least a couple more months out of this one".