This is Parenting, You Will Get Thrown Up On

  • You will explain things to your toddler as happening because of "magic" when you can't come up with a good enough or short enough answer.
  • You will get peed on.
  • Probably more than once.
  • You will eat something in secret at some point that you don't want to share with your child.
  • You will say things like "Do not ride the dog" and "Fine, let's just go with you not wearing pants, I don't care" and "Clean up before you make a mess".
  • You will secretly bargain with some higher power when your baby starts crying at 3am. You will mentally offer LARGE large bargaining chips if they will just go back to sleep.
  • You will use bribery. You might not admit it to friends, but trust me, you will do it.
  • You will sometimes wonder if 11:30am is too early for a glass of wine.
  • You will be overcome with joy when they finally learn how to buckle their carseat all by themselves.
  • You will lie about what you are actually feeding them. "No no no, these are Batman beans! He eats these for breakfast!"
  • You will freak out because you didn't move the Elf on the Shelf and then have a full minute of questioning why the f you decided to even DO the Elf on the Shelf in the first place.
  • You will then move the Elf on the Shelf.
  • You will let your children decide things between themselves "Lord of the Flies" style once in a while. It's good for them.
  • You will sit back one day and wonder how you ever complained about being too tired to go to class in college.
  • You will think about this and laugh and laugh. Some might even describe that laughter as "maniacal".
  • You will ask your friend "These aren't like...mom jeans are they?". Hopefully she is honest with you.
  • You will truly enjoy being able to go grocery shopping all by yourself. You might even jump on the cart and go "WHEEEEEEEEEE" down the aisles as you shop because it is so liberating.
  • You will hate Caillou. And that irritating song. And what kind of name is Caillou anyway?
  • You will hate me for getting the Caillou song stuck in your head.
  • You will sniff diapered butts, underwear, clothes you found stuffed in the bottom of backpacks. You will just bring these things up to your face and full on smell them to identify what stage they are at.
  • You will say things like "Don't make me come down there" and "I will pull this car over" and "Because I said so, that's why" and every other thing you swore you would never say as a parent.
  • You will yell some of these things.
  • You will let them wear a cape to the store.
  • You will step on a Lego piece at some point.
  • You will not be prepared for how badly this will actually hurt.
  • You will throw said Lego piece in the garbage.
  • You will give in.
  • You will give up.
  • You will move on.
  • You will be okay.

xoxo